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I am not really a drummer, I love to play I get a lot of personal satisfaction and peace from playing and finding rhythm but I can't really say I'm a drummer. The drummer in my band, Dave T, HE's a drummer. He's the best drummer I've ever sang with, I'm not a drummer and yet I play the drums every so often in one of the village bands. I'm a singer and a lyricist, not so much a drummer and I am certainly not very good at multitasking but Sunday afternoon, while out on a hike at Sabino Canyon, I received a text from Susan that I would need to play and sing, at the same time.
I naturally don't have very good coordination, just not something I was blessed with. It is hard enough when playing drums to get my right and left feet to do different things but to add singing to that mix? I cannot overstate this guys, I was HORRIFIED!
I want to share something else, Not only am I not a drummer and not only do I have poor coordination but I am very guarded about letting what I perceive as my flaws be seen much in public. I don't have melt downs in public, I don't like to look clumsy in public. So to put myself in a vulnerable position where I could not only mess up but REALLY mess up is really hard for me to do.
So there I am playing and singing Stand Firm. There arte a lot of words in that song, there is a lot of rhythm in that song. I want to get lost in either one or the other but I can't I have to stay present and sober(music makes me high but that's.......another........story) I have to stay present, locked in the tension off the moment. Both aware of what I am saying when I sing but also aware of my hands and feet. That's when the feedback happened
I absolutely wanted to throw my sticks down and say at least 2-3 curse words and find a place to bury my head. I wanted to run out of the church. I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want Eric to lose faith in my ability to be a member of the band. I didn't want to disappoint Sue. I didn't want to disappoint God.
I didn't run, I didn't curse, I kept on, gathered my composure as best I could(could you hear my voice shaking?) and sang
"rejoice in the lord always, and again I say rejoice"
I found grace in the reassuring smile of my pastor. I found peace in the words I was singing to aid you all in worship. I found out that it was ok that I wasn't perfect, it was ok to just be me.
I stood firm in that moment of fear and vulnerability.
and that is the hope of what we'll be. It's always awesome when you can catch a glimpse of that hope. That one small moment when you can shut the tape loop off long enough that you do something that will surprise even yourself. I managed not to have a meltdown even though behind my eyes I am sure that Eric and others could see that I wanted to. I didn't. | 
