From: MaryKay
Date: Mon Jun 13 23:01:35 MST 2005
Subject: Reflections

This past week I spent five days in Phoenix with the grandchildren. On Friday morning I was having a great time playing with little six-month-old Jonathan when a wave of deep sadness swept over me. I realized the sadness was because I would be leaving him along with Isaac, Andrew and Christian later that day to head home to Tucson. Unlike times in the past when I was embarrassed by my feelings, I made the conscious choice to let the tears roll down my face and experience all that I felt. After about ten minutes, peace and a sense of well being settled over me as God met me in that painfully sad place. There was no feeling of shame or guilt and I knew that the sorrow of leaving that I felt was genuine and right. It surprised me just how strong my feelings were and as I sat there I asked myself why being with the children affected me so intensely. Since then I've been considering the thoughts that came to me. I have become aware that when I am with the grandchildren my heart comes alive in new ways as they love me unconditionally and accept my love for them without doubt. There is joy in every moment of interaction. Hope soars as I see how they impact the world now and picture what the days ahead may be like. There is such a bond of love and trust between us that is just there, without having to do anything to make it be true. I’ve come to the conclusion that what I feel and experience with my grandchildren is a glimpse of what God is offering me in our relationship. He wants me to come alive in His presence, to believe His love for me is real, to find joy in interacting with Him, to have hope and be willing to accept His grace. If I can offer the grandchildren all of my heart and self why do I hold back with God? As I explore further why and what I hold back from God I am confident that He will convince me to continue moving closer to Him and that I will learn to enjoy Him even more than I enjoy the grandchildren He has blessed me with.

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