From: MaryKay
Date: Wed Feb  4 23:19:14 MST 2004
Subject: Ouch

“Let a righteous man strike me-it is a kindness; let him rebuke me-it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it.” Psalm 141:5 I don’t think I’m quite so willing to have my sins revealed and spoken to as David was or to reveal sin in others. Eric expresses this same sentiment as this verse when he encourages us to irritate one another in love. Every time someone has loved me this well it’s really hard to hear and face. Ouch, the truth is brutal! Yesterday I went to visit Shari. We hadn’t really talked about our journeys for quite awhile and grabbed a free hour to catch up. She asked me some hard questions, questions that had never entered my mind. Just by experiencing her wisdom and discernment the Holy Spirit exposed how I don’t really move into other’s lives as I could. The enemy whispers that I don’t know how to see the truth but I’m beginning to wonder if I won’t let myself see the truth. If I see, I must be willing to deliver a knock out punch and send another’s world spinning. I don’t like it when that happens to me and I don’t like the thought of doing it to someone else. It stirs my fear of rejection. When someone tells me about something they don’t like in me, my gut reaction is that they don’t want me as well as my sin in their life. Then there is the lie that if I say the “wrong” thing to someone, something they don’t want to hear, they’ll keep their distance from me. After all that’s what I want to do. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve wanted to put miles between myself and Patti, Shari, and The Village. If I went to another place no one would know my sin and probably wouldn’t want to discover my shame. Everything in me shouts to hide in a place where I won’t be rejected, where I won’t be seen. And yet I long to be seen, but I want that to happen on my terms. I want to become righteous and wise and have impact on others without being refined by fire, without being struck or rebuked. Nice plan but it’s not God’s plan. So if you are righteous, lay the truth on me and by God’s grace I’ll see it as kindness and a blessing. Mary Kay

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