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Family vacations were a regular event when I was growing up. The five of us would climb into the car and off we’d go. The three of us kids would spend the time bickering or ignoring each other, mom would be stressed and crabby and dad would shut down and silently drive. I wonder whose idea it was to take these yearly trips. None of my memories include having a good time together! Maybe there was hope before each trip that it would be different this time and that we could enjoy each other. I don’t believe that ever happened. Let me share what I can remember.
Bradenton, Florida was where my paternal grandparents lived. I remember being quite young the times we visited there. My beloved grandfather and I were walking along the beach holding hands. He made sure I understood how dangerous the ocean was by talking about undertows, jellyfish and sharks. I believe his intentions were good but he traumatized me to the point that I have had panic attacks when I entered a large body of water in the years since. Another memory is of the night the whole family walked out on a sand bar at low tide to see a ship that was aground. The only thing my mind registered was the fear of nothing being under the shallow water when I took my next step. I was sure I would disappear and drown. Despite fear dominating my memories, I also remember my grandpa as he was holding my hand and when he let me help him squeeze the oranges for juice. I also remember the overwhelmingly beautiful smell of orange blossoms.
The Ozarks, Missouri was a place we went more than once. There was a steep hill at the end of the road that led to the water and our cabin. One year as we approached the hill dad had us all get out and walk while he drove the car because the brakes were acting up. I remember standing there watching him drive away totally convinced he wouldn’t be able to stop and end up drowning when the car went into the lake. Another vivid memory is of the warning to be on the lookout for water moccasins, which were poisonous snakes. That was another reason to fear being in the water, you never know what’s lurking under the surface. Despite fear dominating my memories, I also remember the joy of being out on the water in a speedboat. I felt so free and unencumbered as the wind whipped my hair into frenzy.
Niagara Falls, New York was another trip filled with fear. First there was the almost accident on the highway when a car drove toward us in our lane at high speed. Dad’s quick reactions prevented us all from becoming fatality statistics. Then when we were taking the tour that brought us out on a balcony under the falls my dad, who never appeared to be afraid, had a great time leaning over the railing trying to reach the water that was cascading before us. It was wet and slippery and I was sure he would fall and I’d lose him forever. Despite fear dominating my memories I also remember the beauty of the falling water and the rainbows in the mist. The power of the falling water enthralled me and drew me into peacefulness.
Bass Lake, Indiana was a smaller body of water than those I’ve already written about, a place with rowboats, fishing and a raft to swim to. Memories include mom being mad because there was always sand being tracked into the cabin, bathing suits that were wet and cold when you put them on in the morning despite hanging on the line outside all night, panic when the fish touched your legs, certainty some large water monster lived under the raft, being afraid to put the worms on the hook and take the fish off said hook, and fear I would get tangled in the seaweed and be pulled under. Despite fear dominating my memories I also remember the tranquility of sitting in the rowboat in the middle of the lake in the early evening with the quietness and stillness washing over me. I didn’t feel alone or afraid, just content.
Lookout Mountain, Tennessee in the Appalachians didn’t have water like most of our other vacation spots but it did have a swinging bridge. A swinging bridge to walk on that was a bunch of planks and rope attached to two mountains with a very deep valley below. As I cautiously ventured onto the bridge tightly holding onto the rope handrails dad decided to have some fun and proceeded to jump on and lean back in forth putting the “swing” in motion. What he thought was funny caused me to crumple into a sniveling mass of hysteria and left me with a fear of heights to deal with during the following years. What was even more painful was the teasing about being a scaredy cat and being blamed for ruining all the fun. Yet despite fear and shame dominating my memories I also remember the amazing beauty of row after row of green mountains with the fog lying in the lowest places and the breathtaking quiet.
As I consider these experiences as a whole I see they represent what my life has been about. Fear has dominated every experience and molded every decision. A sad realization for me is that with a little understanding and willingness to talk through my childhood experiences with me, my parents could have dispelled or at least lessened the hold fear had over me, and there is disappointment and pain in that. But what really stands out to me now that I have looked at my memories of these five places where we vacationed is that shining through my bad experiences and fearful memories is goodness and beauty. Even while I have been dwelling on the negative, God has been faithful and given me glimpses of His beauty and tastes of His blessings. He was there pursuing me and keeping hope alive. He stored in my heart what was good so someday I could look back and see what I couldn’t see then. When grandpa held my hand and treasured my efforts so did He, when I felt joy and freedom speeding across the water it was He who put the wind in my hair, when I see beauty in creation it is Him I see, the roaring cascading water draws me into His power so that I can find peace, and the contentment of sitting in the still rowboat seduces me into finding His tranquility. Above all else I see His faithfulness. From the very beginning of my existence He has been intent that I know Him and has revealed Himself, waiting for me to notice what He offers. Today I’ve noticed His love for me, His involvement in my life, and His persistence to have me fall in love with Him. |
