Responses
adriennelynne: indeed (3/2/08)
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adriennelynne: indeed (3/2/08)
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I posted this on my blogger site, but thought it should be posted here, too.
Walking with women through painful, abusive memories as I do, I have often seen 2Corinthians 1:3-11 as a verse that pertained to my role in the body of Christ.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11 [NIV]
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
I've come out of a history of sexual abuse and over the past 20 years of struggling along the healing path, God has shown me things to offer to others who are newer to the journey. The catch that I've been struggling with lately is that I often refuse to be comforted. It's easier to comfort others than to receive comfort. I guess part of what I have learned about this process is that we can often see the severity of others' pain and still minimize our own. It is still terrifying to me that I might entrust myself to someone's care, it will feel good and then BAMM I'll be rejected and mocked. This plays itself out in my intimate relationships [especially with men] and strains the level of intimacy that I will allow. More significantly, it works deeply in my relationship with God. I can easily see myself as a tool to be used for God to work good things into other's lives, but refuse to feel the longings of a child wanting the love and care of a father. I mean, my dad died when I was 2 and the only real replacement was a wicked, abusive step-dad accompanied by a wounded, abusive step-brother. Any longings I had for affection from a father left me feeling foolish and ashamed. And yet I believe these longings are integral to our humanness and denying them requires that we shut ourselves off from really living fully into ourselves and our lives. At least this is what I've seen in my own life and in the lives of others on this journey with me. In the times when I have allowed myself to be comforted [either mystically by God or through the arms of one of his people], he has brought me to a new level of healing and new freedom in areas of my life. And so I offer this as I minister to others and I get to see the beauty of God at work in the lives of my friends. Then, as happened this week, I have some of my own memories surface and I struggle to believe that I'm worth caring for or that anyone would really want to comfort me. And when God sends friends to walk with me in my sadness and grieving, I wrestle with the terror that they don't really care and I'll be left a fool if I entrust myself to them. And then, as happened yesterday, I join with the enemy in pouring contempt on myself and on the ones God has given me to care for me. And now today, I'm brought back to the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort and I have to repent of my running away from his care. And look for the ways he is wanting to comfort me and let myself grieve again some of these losses of my childhood and believe that he sees me as a beloved daughter, not a tool for his use. |
